Frankfort

Here are the winners and losers from last night’s splendor.

Loser: David Boswell- What happens when you run like a conservative homophobe anti-choice Republican, are lazy, don’t raise money, rely on D.C. insiders to make your ads, and have no grassroots support? Even in a wave year, apparently you get handily beaten.

Winners: Michael Kelley and Heather Ryan- Despite the best efforts of Jennifer Moore, these two brave candidates put their necks on the line in order the prevent two hideous Republicans from running unopposed. They had virtually zero support from the KDP, yet they managed to run energetic and honest campaigns without any dough. It’s a shame we treat those with the bravery to get in the race in such a way as to discourage others from doing so in the future. Speaking of…

Loser: Crit Luallen- Crit gets in the race against Mitch McConnell and she wins. Hands down. P.S. Crit- stop hinting to people that you’re thinking of running for Senate in 2010. No one believes you, and we’re not listening anymore.

Winner: John Yarmuth- John Yarmuth is the blueprint for success. Stand behind your progressive beliefs, and instead of apologizing for them, aggressively defend them and work your ass off. Yarmuth gave Northup an absolute stomping (an Orange Crush), one that is likely to put her out of politics for good. And Yarmuth? We’ll be keeping Louisville Yarmuth for many years to come.

Loser: KDP- Jeebus. Where do I even begin? The pathetic state senate efforts? The uncontested seats? Staffers trolling on blogs? Gutting the heart of the burgeoning grassroots activism that popped up in KY last year? Occassionally making one wish that the Lundergan filth was still running things? Way too much, and I don’t want to waste the energy.

Winner: Kathy Stein- Kick ass take no shit unapologetic liberal feminist, kicking the ass of CentrePointe enabler Chuck Ellinger. I mean absolutely stomping him. The Curse of CentrePointe is now 3-0. And here’s your picture, Kathy:

Loser: Kathy Groob- Lost all dignity by mailing out anti-choice lit AND lost by 2%. Nice twofer.

Winner: Mitch McConnell- Despite being an unrepentant douchebag, you won your seat and got your little protege Guthrie into D.C. with you. And your wife can make big lobbyist dough screwing workers now that she lost her low paying job screwing workers.

Loser: Mitch McConnell- D.C. is going to go seriously anti-pork next year, and you will be in a very very slim and powerless minority in the Senate the next two years. You also still have to look at your lipless soulless face every morning.

Winner: Young people- People aged 18-29 voted 66% for Obama, showing everyone that our generation is smarter and more tolerant and just more awesome in general than everyone else. We know greatness when we see it, and we know pathetic douchebaggery when we see it.

Loser: Appalachia- Despite the endless poverty that you are mired in, you continued to vote against Obama in numbers as big as anywhere else in the country. Word to the wise: Republicans don’t care about you.

Winner: The American People- You chose a winner. Maybe now you’ll understand that intelligence is slightly more important in picking a leader than who you want a beer with.

Loser: Bitter Fischer people- Congrats to all of the people harboring ill feelings from the primary and trying to salt the earth as you exited stage left. Classy. It’s sad to know that so many people with influence took a bit of joy in seeing Lunsford get beat. And it was touching to see Fischer go all out in support for the homophobe anti-choice Boswell…. you know, because he’s such a proud progressive. Oh, and thanks for ALL of your help against Mitch too, Mr. Chandler.

Winner: Terri Whitehouse- Breaking out titties on the grill and bonerz in hawt liveblawgin action.

Loser: Jake Payne- Selling out to the mainstream media…. for shame. And that forehead glare…. ugh.

Winner: Felons- Apparently, there are some states where they don’t mind sending you to the Senate. Another example of why Kentucky isn’t the most backwards place in America…. there’s always Alaska.

Loser: John McCain- Much like Kathy Groob, you abandoned what you believed in to get elected, and couldn’t even do it right. Congrats on making 30% of the country think that our new President is a Commie Terrorist, I’m sure that will make his very serious job much easier, and the Secret Services job much harder.

Winner: Sarah Palin- Nice threads. You must now ask yourself this question: Which do you want more, your own reality show, or Ted Stevens’ Senate seat when he goes to the pokey. Warning: the Senate seat requires that you read and learn stuff (with the Jim Bunning exception, of course).

Loser: Steve Beshear- Squandering Democratic momentum in one year at the speed of sound.

Winner: Howard Dean- The 50-state strategy has been 100% vindicated. Eat it, James Carville.

Ack. Lemme know if I forgot any in the comments.