“Undecided voters are cunts”—Mitt Romney, campaigning in Defiance, Ohio.
While I disagree with the tenor of Mr. Romney’s statement last week, and I certainly take issue with him referring to Jacksonville as “the biggest cold sore on the herpes infected cock that is Florida”, he does raise an interesting point.
Isn’t there something a little irritating about the undecided voter? It’s not just that they can’t decide. Although seriously, you can’t decide? Mitt Romney never stopped running since the last election and you need to hear his stump speech again over the weekend to piece it all together? Mitt Romney outsources jobs, invests his money in foreign banks, and the only thing he seems to like about America is that Jesus is from there. He got rich by firing people. Of course, Donald Trump likes him—he’s who Donald Trump aspires to be. If the last decade has taught us anything, it’s that the only thing Republicans are good for is mispronouncing words in folksy ways and sucking off guys in airport bathrooms (Although had we known then what we know now, wouldn’t it be great if Bill Clinton responded to his impeachment by saying, “At least I was getting the blowjob.”) Barack Obama, on the other hand, saved the economy, sent Bin Laden to his virgins, and gave all American children health insurance. Against that, Mitt Romney puts up his crowning achievement: the time he made the 2002 Winter Games more profitable. Winter Olympics, massive layoffs, and dressage horses? Please. Give me basketball, real jobs, and terrorist killing. I think I’m getting sidetracked.
It’s not just that they can’t decide, it’s that they get rewarded for their indecision. We pretend they are the most finicky consumers, carefully poring over article after article before making up their mind, but we all know they just don’t give a shit. And that’s why it shames me to admit that I, your self-appointed life-coach, Ronnie Cottonpants, am an undecided voter.
No, not about the Presidential election. I tried to be open minded, but Mitt Romney lost my vote when he said that “If my dog was as ugly and hairy as the average North Carolina woman, I’d have never taken that bitch off the roof.” But I am undecided about a very important election. I can not decide who to vote for in the upcoming congressional election between Ben Chandler and Andy Barr.
I’m liberal, and I want to vote for Ben Chandler. Or rather, I want to want to vote for Ben Chandler. I want a Democratic Congressman, and I want to pull the Democratic lever with pride, but I can’t. He votes for the Republicans every single time, he is selling himself by promoting his “Conservative Principles”, and he is suing the fucking EPA for trying to protect Kentucky, the rural economy, and the health and safety of miners. The only reason I’ve heard to support him is that he has a “D” beside his name.
Don’t get me wrong—that “D” matters. I feel as confident giving conservative Democrats my vote as I do lending my phone and credit card to a meth-head, but I can handle a blue-dog if I need to. You have to swallow a lot of shit when you’re a liberal. That’s the price of admission, and it usually pays off, but I don’t know that I can do it now.
Listen, I’m the sort of liberal who won’t forgive Ralph Nader. As my father said of Mr. Nader, “It’s not like I hate the guy. It’s not like if his guts were on fire, I wouldn’t piss on him to put him out. I’m saying, if his guts were on fire, I would piss on him.” The Iraq War, the devastated economy, our crippling debt—all of that can be directly lain at Ralph Nader’s feet. But that came at the expense of Al Gore, a man who, while a little conservative for my tastes in some areas, I think is brilliant and a capable leader. This is about Ben Chandler.
I won’t vote for Andy Barr. I kind of like the fact that he looks like if the Howdy Doody puppet grew up and became an alcoholic, but I like nothing else about him. He’s a useless man who is wrong about absolutely everything. But this is about Ben Chandler.
I want to vote for Ben Chandler, but as of now, I can’t. But I’m undecided, and I’m willing to listen to reason. So I say this very seriously—Convince me to vote for Ben Chandler. I’m Liberal and I’m motivated by fear of Republicans, and I am very, very up in the air on my vote.
But don’t just say “If you don’t vote for Chandler, it’ll be Congressman Andy Barr.” That’s not enough—or rather that’s not enough if you can’t follow it up with specifics about how they’ll vote differently. Andy Barr is the one making the best argument for Ben Chandler getting my vote. In Barr’s commercials, he says Ben Chandler supports Obama’s agenda, but he never gets more detailed than that—because Ben Chandler doesn’t support the President’s agenda, or the liberal agenda. In fact, he doesn’t support the Kentucky Democratic agenda. What agenda does he support and why is it a secret?
Is he pretending to be more conservative than he is out of political necessity? Probably. Is he a better man than a congressman? I don’t doubt it, but I’m not voting for him to be my buddy or my neighbor. I want him to represent me. So the question remains—If one candidate is for conservative principles and will stand up to Obama, and the other candidate is for conservative principles and will stand up to Obama then why should I vote for either one.
Here’s what I know:
1. My vote matters. Chandler won last time by less than one vote per precinct. Chandler can win without me, but he can’t win without the disaffected liberals he let down.
2. I’m genuinely undecided and will listen to any argument. From now until Election Day, I will engage and try to respond to any and all reasonable suggestions. Why should a liberal vote for Ben Chandler?
I hope I’ve convinced you that, despite what Mitt Romney says, not all undecided voters are “mouth-breathing fatherfuckers who deserve to go to someplace worse than hell when they die, like Virginia.” No, some of us are just waiting to hear our questions answered.