So there’s an election going on tonight. Is it exciting? Sadly, no. But central Kentucky, you have only yourself to blame for that, now don’t you?
But there will at least be some moderately interesting stuff to keep an eye out for tonight. Let’s just go ahead and run down the least of the insignificant right now, eh?
#1. Thomas Massie and the northern Kentucky Tea Party White Knights of Liberty destroy the KY GOP establishment and march to Washington.
Sadly, this one won’t even be close. But at least we can be entertained by how much Massie wins by. We’ll say by double-figures. Added bonus: Gary Moore finishes in third place. $3,000 just isn’t what it used to be.
#2. The Burrell Charles Farnsley Revolution begins.
Like kryptonite to Awesome, Farnsley shocks Congressman Yarmuth is a shockingshocker, pulling off the 62-38 win.
#3. Tea Party Upset Special
Mark Polston, who you’ve never heard of, wins the Senate 15th GOP primary. The number of people who vote for Polston will be 50 times the number of people care that he did so throughout in the rest of the state.
#4. Sarah Lynn Cunningham pulls a shocker over Morgan McGarvey in Senate 19th
On paper, McGarvey wins Tim Shaughnessy’s old seat. But Sarah Lynn folds that paper into a pinwheel to represent Kentucky’s new green energy future, winning in a nailbiter by 100 votes. Jack lost his first race too, Morgan, don’t worry, you’re still young and Crit Luallen likes you.
#5. Gooch wins easily, embarrassing Kentucky
#6. COMMANDER makes a comeback
Kentucky is simply a better place when an atheist can win a GOP primary in Kentucky and make it into the general election. Hail Chris Hightower in the House 16th, our Dark Lord of Liberty.
#7. Tyler Murphy for Transylvania class president
Murphy’s not going to win in the House 98th, unfortunately, but at least his presence in this race gives us an excuse to show this AMAZING video again that won him the 2008 Rootie for funniest video. Pick Flick!
#8. Diane Lawless rips out Stephanie Spires’s soul with her teeth
Spires better hope that she and that hunky pile of man she’s got finish third.
#9. Cathy Flaig beats Addia Wuchner in House 66th
Congratulations for purging one of the most conservative members of Frankfort, Tea Party. You are truly an amazing social movement.
#10. Democratic Congressional primary in 1st District
We would accept both “WTF” and “BUCKMASTER”
#11. Let’s all go to Ohio and Indiana this fall to canvas for races that really matter
Did we mention that 2012 will be really boring in Kentucky?
#12. 9 percent turnout
The unders win. Yay Democracy!
#13. TWITTER CONTRAPTION OF DEATH, DESTRUCTION AND MISERY
Follow along tonight. Schankula, too, if you can find him.
(oh, and here for Dirty Bird City stuff)