People assure me that David Williams exists, but I’ve yet to see any proof. I hear his name a lot, and I’ve seen his picture on TV, and Governor Beshear not only acknowledges his existence, but speaks of him as an ominous threat we need to take seriously (so he is apparently more real than Global Warming).
But who is this guy? If he was standing behind you as you read this, would you notice? So far, the only salient political hit he’s made has been to point out that his opponent was too gracious to the troops. He’s being outshone by his Lieutenant Governor who, in turn, is being outshone by his moustache.
Still, what if? He is the Republican gubernatorial nominee in a conservative state. Doesn’t this man have a decent shot at being our next governor? Now, I present:
The Barefoot & Progressive 10 Point Guide for How David Williams Can Be Elected Governor
1-10: He can’t.
Now, does that mean that this is going to be a boring election, where Gov. Beshear tries not to say anything stupid and run out the clock? Where David Williams banks his good will with Republicans so in the end he can lose by 12 points rather than 20? The smart money says yes. But I’m a liberal, and if there are two things I hate they’re smarts and money, so I say no. Starting today, this is going to be a topsy turvy election like we have almost never seen. You heard it here first as:
Barefoot & Progressive Predicts The Election
September 5th: Governor Beshear is cruising to what looks like a sure victory based on his alliance of coal company toadies and new earth creationists. It all seems to be going swimmingly until Republican Scientist (I was going to say “Republican Scientists” but as of press time, we could only find proof of one) shatters Beshear’s alliance by pointing out that if the earth is only 4,000 years old then that is not enough time to produce coal. So does coal not exist or is the earth older than the Creation Museum would have us believe? As these facts come to light, many of Beshear’s supporters’ heads explode making them ineligible to vote. Beshear’s lead drops from 22 points to 15 overnight.
September 11th: On the tenth anniversary of September 11th, which this year falls on September 11th, the candidates take different tactics. David Williams makes a speech thanking Jim Bunning for singlehandedly thwarting Al Qaeda’s attack on an ice cream social in Paris, Kentucky. Governor Beshear makes a tactical mistake by giving a statewide television audience saying that we are safer now that Osama Bin Laden has been assassinated. This reminds Kentucky that Bin Laden was killed by President Obama, who, like Governor Beshear, is a Democrat. The lead slips to 12 points.
October 1st: David Williams dumps Richie Farmer as his running mate. “You’re a good man, Richie,” he says in his somber goodbye, “but you’re just not qualified.” He turns to an obviously more qualified running mate, Jamaal Magloire (More rebounds than Farmer, better defense, NCAA Champion). Unfortunately, after Williams and Magloire disagree about water regulations, Jamaal drops off the ticket. Williams replace him with the corpse of Bill Keightley, but after the corpse shows more life than Williams, they both realize it’s not a good fit. Williams finally settles on the perfect running mate: a basketball with the letters U and K on it. An embittered Farmer runs as an independent, which works out well for Williams because he carries a majority of people who consider graduating near the top of your first grade class an accomplishment, thereby splitting Beshear’s “Creation Museum” vote. Lead’s down to 8.
October 9th: Rand Paul goes to the floor of the senate to announce that the USA will have to downsize Kentucky. “Some of my most profitable friends are Kentuckians,” Paul says. “But in times like these, we simply can’t afford to keep states that aren’t pulling their weight.”
The announcement causes panic. Governor Beshear responds by saying, “GET OFF OUR BACKS. But I was just talking to the EPA, the IRS, the food inspectors, the people who make sure the roads are safe and the water’s safe. I didn’t mean the part where we don’t get all the money.” Fortunately, a team of principled Kentucky Democrats lead by Beshear, Ben Chandler, and Dan Mongiardo go to DC to fight Paul’s declaration. Showing the sort of unbreakable spine Kentucky Democrats always show, they announce that all Kentuckians will receive two weeks severance pay. (All Senators and Representatives will receive benefits in perpetuity). Beshear replies, “While it saddens me to say this, Get Off Our Backs!” as apparently it is the only thing his advisors will allow him to say in public.
October 26th: Now that Kentucky is no longer a part of the union, there is chaos. I order to not lose revenue on our flag making businesses in China, we decide that we need a 50th state to take the place of Kentucky. DC doesn’t want to upset the natural order too much, so they need a place that takes far more from the economy than it pulls in, yet resents the rest of America. They vote that Wall Street will be the next state.
October 28th: Gatewood Galbraith wakes up at 12:30 with Cheeto cheese on his mouth and remembers that he filed papers to run for governor. He laughs for two hours, then calls Willie Nelson. “Oh man, you’ll never believe this,” he says. “Oh man, oh man, oh man, no seriously, you won’t guess what I did.” Willie spends the afternoon trying to write a campaign song for him. He muses on the fact that nothing rhymes with Galbraith, and figures that’s why he never won. He plays a song, but later realizes his tape recorder wasn’t plugged in, and then he goes to sleep. The polls don’t change.
Election Day: It’s up in the air. No one knows what they’re voting for, and all the polls are showing it’s deadlocked between all sorts of people who shot up in the mess. Beshear’s fallen and there’s no use denying it. Williams has risen but no one really likes him very much. Gatewood’s non-Willie song is rising up the non-country charts. After three weeks of deliberation, it goes to the state senate where they decide our next governor will be:
Jamaal Magloire. Come on, when I mentioned him a few paragraphs ago, didn’t you wish he could be Governor? He’s cool, he’s mean, he put Wojo on the rack, he beat Duke on the way to getting Kentucky a National Championship. Magloire’s definitely going to be the next Governor.
On election night, he bucks tradition and speaks directly to Duke guard Steve Wojciechowski: “Wojo, Get Off My Back.”