RPK Lincoln Day Dinner fun (UPDATE)

Saturday night was the Jefferson County Republican Party Lincoln Dinner, and for some odd reason I decided to waste 3 hours of my life at it. Rand Paul was to introduce Mitch McConnell’s keynote address, and then the 2011 statewide candidates would get a few minutes to introduce themselves. Of the 320 people eating at this dinner in Louisville celebrating the Great Emancipator, there was exactly one black person. The wait staff outnumbered him by 8, but sometimes Liberty requires that.

Unfortunately, there was no Henry Clay rap battle between Rand and Mitch. In fact, half of the room could not hear Rand Paul’s introduction to Mitch, as they didn’t turn the microphone up until Mitch McConnell was speaking. Rand spoke about how much he admires Senator McConnell, what with his effort to make democracy for sale. It was a lovefest.

Then it was Mitch McConnell’s turn. The Senior Senator informed the crowd that Obama’s big tax and spend agenda is dead, and that Americans are clamoring for a repeal of health care (he didn’t cite the poll, of course). McConnell went the fearmongering route, using the “we’re turning into Greece” scare line that I haven’t actually heard him use before. After decrying the big taxing, big government spending Obama Dems, Mitch then went on to praise Ronald Reagan for savings Social Security in 1983. And… how did he do that, Mitch? Raising taxes on the rich? Mmm hmm.

Mitch McConnell then told a big ole whopper:

Not even remotely true. And he knows it, of course.

Mitch then went into Reagan overdrive. Number of times Lincoln was mentioned in his Lincoln Dinner speech? Once in passing (maybe he didn’t want to get Rand mad). Number of times Reagan mentioned? At least 20. Gotta go with the trends.

After a shockingly blond Anne Northup won an award and Dan Seum told the audience that “kids outta go to school in their own neighborhood”, it was time for the statewide candidates.

Bobbie Holsclaw took the stage with a giant pyramid of butter. Larry Cox, Mitch McConnell’s former chief of staff, was openly laughing at her throughout the speech. She was eventually pulled off by the Sandman. Phil Moffett kissed Rand Paul’s ass, but refrained from calling David Williams a communist. Williams gave a shout out to Todd Lally and then kissed his own ass with the delivery of an auctioneer (he’s had a lot of practice).

In the Secretary of State race, Some Dude Named Bill Johnson informed us of his platform to confiscate calculators from middle schools:

Then Hilda Legg (who had been chugging coffee the entire night) said that she will protect your vote from being stolen by ACORN thugs and pimps (continuing the retro theme of the evening):

FYI, Hilda Legg and her primary against SDNBJ is going to be a lot of fun.

Attorney General candidate Todd P’Pool then taught everyone how to pronounce his name:

He’s going to use the name “Keith Olbermann” approximately 2,000 times during the campaign, so you have that to look forward to.

KC Crosbie didn’t talk about ACORN or gays or fetuses, but she did mention that Todd Hollenbach’s office has not issued a press release since the summer of 2008 (check his site, it’s true):

The only sad news of the evening is that some Young Republican DB didn’t try to assault Jonathan Meador this year. He brought nunchucks and everything, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

In summation: Raising taxes for government handouts is bad unless you’re Reagan, ACORN pimps are still trying to steal your vote, calculators may or may not be manufactured by Satan, Reagan is awesome when you forget everything about him, and it’s pronounced “pee pool”.

Lincoln is proud.

UPDATE: Meador has his account of the fun up, including this glorious pic I took of Richie’s new Bieber-esque hairdo: