SHE WON'T GO!
Oh it’s that time of year again, boys and girls! Its time to hand out the 2010 Rooties awards, acknowledging the best and worst of Kentucky politics in this quite foul year of our lord.
Yesterday we looked at the best and worst people in Kentucky politics, the first of our three-part Rooties. Today is Part II, where we tip our hat to this year’s sights, sounds and sayings that were either inspired by genius, or inspired nausea and ridicule.
Commence the mean!
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WORST POLITICAL ADVERTISEMENT
Jim Newberry presents Marian Sims- Hard to watch this one without crying. Deny her your essence, though.
Jack Conway presents Rand Paul’s Greatest Hits- Possibly among of the worst ads ever made by a major statewide candidate in American political history. Comedy isn’t for everyone. (TRAGIC that the campaign deleted it from the YouTube Machine. If you remember it, you know I’m right.)
Newberry’s Triangle Lasers- They’re shaped like a triangle, you see? And Newb had something to do with it. And it shoots out lasers. Job lasers. From space. Vote for me.
Curbstomper for Rand Paul- Ed Lane picked the absolute perfect day to place this full page ad in the Herald Leader touting the Curbstomper’s endorsement of Rand Paul. Timing is everything.
Williams/Farmer debut- Nothing kicks off a campaign like making people laugh at you. Or vomit on you.
Pat Boone for Andy Barr- A washed up homophobic has-been would like you to vote for “INSERT NAME HERE“
Jack Conway’s Aqua Buddha- It’s never good when you release an ad that makes your volunteers quit. Why this was released by Conway’s campaign and not by an outside group (with more humor) will be an eternal mystery.
Dan Mongiardo on DailyKos- Not the smartest idea to give thousands of dollars to Kos for an ad right before you come out against health care reform. He might as well have given me the money.
Rand Paul Moneybomb Ad- They are STEALING OUR LIBERTY. Not dramatic enough, try again.
Trey Grayson UK/Duke ad- Trey Grayson actually spent money to tell voters that his opponent went to Duke. Insulting your voters’ intelligence is free, Trey.
Rand’s slidewhistle- Our Liberty has a fever, and the only thing that can cure it is MORE SLIDEWHISTLE. (this ad has been deleted too, unfortunately)
Andy Barr fights Godzilla- No, your internet isn’t lagging, this is the worst vocal dubbing EVER. This ad will never stop being funny.
BEST MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
“We Want America Back”- The insane Restore America Rally in Frankfort not only featured some fine wingnuttery, but this beautiful ode to fighting the Godless homosexuals who want to pray on our children (full original version here):
“Behemoth is a Dinosaur”- Ken Ham would like to teach your children that sauropods were “chief in the way of God”. With Steve Beshear’s help, of course.
Rand Paul microchip implant song- Amiee Allen headlined a Rand Paul rally, where she sang about how he will protect America from the Bilderberg Group and government implanted microchips. Rand’s kids are fine guitar players, though.
Nena Bartlett- When Rand Paul’s assistant campaign manager isn’t frolicking on the Capital lawn wearing nothing but her Gadsden flag, she’s showing off her wonderful chops on songs about the bailouts:
Christopher Hignite- The Lexington council at-large candidate not only uncovers the murder and prostitution ring of the Lexington police force, he can carry a tune:
Republican Senate candidate John Stephenson- This jolly candidate sent to run for office on a mission from God would unexpectedly break out into song during debates. Excellent chops on this fan of the fetus.
“We Stand with you, Arizona”- At the Kentucky Freedom Festival of Teabaggers Against Brown People, the duo Rivoli Revue let out this passionate defense of our white women against the marauding hordes of Mexicans. (bonus footage of cops dancing on their segways to it):
BEST QUOTE
Kathy Stein- to Jim Gray, as told by him at a Fayette County Democratic Dinner with Newberry in attendance:
“I knew you and Ernesto were out of the closet, but Newberry too? When did he announce he was a Democrat?”
Mitch McConnell- explaining why he forced Rand Paul to cancel his Meet the Press appearance that Sunday and go into hiding, following his Maddow debacle:
“I think (Rand’s) said quite enough…”
Ruth Bader Ginsburg- in response to Bunning’s prediction of death last year:
“I am pleased to report that, contrary to Sen. Bunning’s prediction, I am alive and in good health”
Gunner- Lt. Dan’s own dog turned on him with an aggressive negative ad campaign:
“Pro-life? He cut my BALLS off”
John Yarmuth- On Jack Conway and his campaign:
“But one of the problems Jack had was that he never — well, he tried to kind of guess where most Kentuckians were on the issues. And voters usually can see through that. He didn’t stand up for particular values and say, ‘This is my position, even if it’s unpopular.’ He may have believed in every position he took, but he never convinced voters.”
Al Cross- in response to Rand Paul’s campaign saying he’s never changed a position:
“He must have an unusual definition of “change” and/or “position.””
Rand Paul- Uh huh.
“I’ve never said or written anything un-Christian in my life”
Phil Moffett- Down with the government oppression of traffic lights!
“Food for thought. Traffic signals may be the most demonstrable government interference into out lives, put in place “for our safety” of course. But what would happen if we quit using them? Watch this video for a real-life example of how freedom works and how a government regulation distorts a market”
Jack Conway- from multiple debates:
“I’m always amused to get a lecture on constitutional law from a self-certified ophthalmologist”
Rand Paul- Making excuses for being such a flip flopping liar (see also, “Rand’s Law”):
“Boy, can’t a politician have an answer that’s open to two different interpretations?”
Ron Paul- He expressed his deep shame for his Islamophobic Liberty-hating son, Rand Paul:
“This is all about hate and Islamaphobia. We now have an epidemic of “sunshine patriots” on both the right and the left who are all for freedom, as long as there’s no controversy and nobody is offended. Political demagoguery rules when truth and liberty are ignored.”
BEST IMAGE
New CentrePointe with pedway- It’s not scaled back, it’s “refined“. Lexington is poised to become the Pedway Capitol of the South, and the excitement is palpable.
Newberry field director sleeping on the job- This was Lisa Tanner’s competition from the Jim Newberry campaign, hard at work at the Shriners Festival. Does that Gray blowout make any more sense?
Sheep in CentrePointe- Hmm… I’m having a really hard time coming up with a smart ass metaphor here…
Doug Martin and Ronald McDonald- I won’t tell you which is which. But shortly after this pic, one was told to F off.
WORST QUOTE
Jim Newberry- The man who cheered the destruction of The Block Where Nothing Happened, explaining music downtown during the WEG:
“(Lexington) has never experienced 17 straight days of performances downtown.”
Matthew Vanderpool- Explaining how gay candidates who aren’t ashamed of their sexuality behave:
“if I prance around my district saying ‘gay this’ or ‘gay that,’ it will destroy me”
Ben Chandler- on racism in Kentucky:
“We’ve moved past all that, and we’re in a better place now,”
Rand Paul- explaining why honesty isn’t the best policy:
“My dad freely will say that, that he would eliminate at least half of the departments, but he is just more forthright.”
Rand Paul- Leave Tony Hayward alone!!! Accidents happen!
“What I don’t like from the president’s administration is this sort of, ‘I’ll put my boot heel on the throat of BP’, I think that sounds really un-American in his criticism of business… And I think it’s part of this sort of blame-game society in the sense that it’s always got to be somebody’s fault instead of the fact that maybe sometimes accidents happen…. We had a mining accident that was very tragic. Then we come in and it’s always someone’s fault. Maybe sometimes accidents happen.”
Dan Mongiardo- Lt. Dan explains how Obama is not welcome in this here holler:
“With some of the positions he has taken, especially on coal, no. He certainly can’t come into eastern or western Kentucky and help. Nor would I want him to.”
Rand Paul- explaining how capitalism works, otherwise known as the free hand of the dead miner market:
Winner:
Mitch McConnell- On why we can’t let the Bush tax rates expire for the wealthiest Americans:
“We can’t let the people who’ve been hit hardest by this recession and who we need to create the jobs that will get us out of it foot the bill for the Democrats’ two-year adventure in expanded government”
MOST DISTURBING IMAGE
Dragon Excavation Kit- This is what intellectual child abuse looks like. From the gift shop of Steve Beshear’s new Flintstone Truther business partner:
David Adams stalking Jack Conway- We all understand trackers out following their opponent at campaign events, but when your campaign manager is caught like this? Creeptastic.
Violent Teabagger/Birther signs-When Teabaggers rally in Frankfort to speak out about impeaching Obama, crack babies and Mexicans, it is important that we treat them with respect, as they are a very serious and thoughtful political group, you see.
Paulbot condom pic-There are some things that cannot be unseen, like this hideous creation by one of Rand Paul’s internet fanboys:
WORST RAND PAUL SONG
Runners up:
The Rand Paul Rap- Make it stop.
“We’ve Got to Stop the Mosque at Ground Zero”- OK, so this isn’t about Rand. But Rand is against the old Burlington Coat Factory with a prayer room and this song is really fucking terrible, so here:
Winner:
“The Rand Paul Song”- I said make it stop!
GRUMPIEST JIM BUNNING QUOTE
On James Dobson flipping his endorsement to Paul- Not-subtle jab at McConnell:
“He said leadership in the Republican Party misled him,” Bunning said. “Now who do you think that is?”
On Rand’s gaffes-Meet my backhand:
“Rand can succeed me in spite of himself”
On George Steinbrenner’s death- Class.
“Because he was smart enough to die in 2010, there is zero tax liability on the estate tax”
On missing the UK game while blocking unemployment benefits- Explaining to those who will have to worry about their next meal that he too is suffering.
“I want to assure the people that have watched this thing ’til a quarter of 12, and I have missed the Kentucky-South Carolina game that had started at 9 o’clock, and it’s the only redeeming chance we had to beat South Carolina since they’re the only team that has beaten Kentucky this year.”
To ABC News, after his unemployment insurance charade- Memories… light the corners of my mind… Misty water-colored memories… of the way we were:
“Excuse me! This is a Senators only elevator!” (followed by flipping the bird)
BEST FASHION
Lt. Dan’s uneven eyebrow wax- Not since Left Eye Lopes has a person put such optical diversity in style.
Jeff Fugate’s cult members- The fundie pastor’s rally turned Frankfort into Juniper Creek East.
Rand Paul’s private militia security- These obese men in play soldier dress up are the last line of defense between ourselves and Obama’s Mexican Death Squads.
Grizzly Robin Hood- Gun-toting Teabaggers may be insane, but they know fashion.
Rand Paul rocks the suit w/ shorts- From the front page of the Washington Post:
Trey Grayson’s shirt- I don’t know what the hell this is about:
David Williams Mom Jeans- Ain’t no shame in his game.
The Beard Eater and his hat- His story says tragic beard-eating-at-gun-point victim, but his look says sexy beast ready to get it on!
Jay McChord as Mr. Wildcat- Unfortunately, LFUCG councilman Jay McChord has no one to cheer for this coming year.
Basil Childress and Confederate Retro- Rand Paul’s white supremacist neo-confederate ally and his date not only celebrate Treason in Defense of Slavery, they know how to look the part:
Nina Bartlett- If ever there was a year for a senate candidate’s assistant campaign manager to strip down nekid on the Capitol lawn wearing nothing but a Gadsden flag, it was 2010.
BEST REMIX
The Dr. Dan Song- Don’t you miss Lt. Dan? Yeah, me neither.
Todd Lally’s Soylent Green- “Corporations are PEEEEOPLE!“
Last Dance with Mayor Newberry- Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Glenn Beck sings Born in the USA- Bruce Springsteen is a filthy communist who hates America. Schankula works his magic:
Aqua Buddha cartoon- Tawain is a magical place.
Newberry’s Triangle Laser Vision of Death and Jobs- TRIANGLE! LASERS! JOBS! VISION! Schankula’s masterpiece:
BEST NEW CATCH PHRASE
Liberty Christ- Rand Paul, the son of Father Liberty, was sent to rescue us from government oppression and teach us all the true meaning of Liberty. He was martyred by the liberal media, collectivists, and ACORN workers, but rose again on November 2nd to teach us all that unfettered greed is the most important gift of humanity.
“A direct conversation”-To Lexington Councilman Doug Martin, dropping 15 angry F-bombs on a citizen at work in front of all of your colleagues is not unstable or bizarre behavior. Rather, it is “a direct conversation“.
“No Sharks!”-Dan Mongiardo wants tourists to know that they can come to Kentucky and fish without the fear of being eaten by a shark. Spread the word!
WMLP Bingo- Ever wish that you could make listening to a whiny woman-hating racist white person more entertaining? White Male Liberty Patriot Bingo is just the game for you!
Rand’s Law-If you’ve ever listened to Rand Paul whine about something and became confused, this is most likely the Law that you don’t understand: “just because Rand Paul repeatedly and passionately advocates for something doesn’t mean that he actually supports it.” And if you accuse him of supporting something that he has repeatedly advocated for, you are part of the liberal gotcha media that is out to get him and steal his Liberty. Once you realize this, he makes more sense. He’s very existential.
Flintstone Truther- Ken Ham and Steve Beshear will not stop until the children of Kentucky know the truth: that humans rode on saddled dinosaurs a few thousand years ago. The dastardly secularists don’t want you to know, but the Truth is out there.
BEST PHOTOSHOP
Runners up:
Unbridled Faith- Thanks, Steve!
David Williams goes Teabagger- David assures you that he’s completely insane, too! Really!
Curbstompers for Rand Paul- Liberty.
Newberry meets his idol- Like looking into a mirror.
Steve Beshear retrofits a unicorn- He rides them, too.
Winner:
Steve Beshear rides a T-Rex- Dino Derbies in Williamstown? Sounds like a job creator!
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That’s it for the second of our three installments of this year’s Rooties! Congrats to all of the winners and losers!
If you didn’t see Part I yesterday (Best and Worst People), check it out here.
Tomorrow morning will be Part III, where we look at the moments and achievements that defined 2010 in Kentucky. Unfortunately, many of them have probably scarred your memory for life, and no matter how much you try to drink them away, they’ll haunt you until your death….. so be sure to tune in for that!
The categories will be: Most Humiliating Representation of Kentucky, Biggest/Best Lie, Best Moment, Best Achievement in Stalinist Purging, Best Schadenfreude Moment, Best Blogger Induced Fit of Rage/Whining, Best Conspiracy Theory, Best Fake Poll, Best Achievement in Coal Shilling, Best Debate Moment, Best Jack Conway Petition, Most Hilarious Political Spin, Best Sockpuppetry, Best Strategery, Best Comeback, Most Surreal Moment, Most Awkward Moment, and Best Abandonment of Principle by Rand Paul.
Tune in tomorrow!
KentuckyElection.org
BONNIE PRINCE BILLY
